it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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