When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
