she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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