Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
