Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
