I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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