Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
