kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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