I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
