Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize