Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
