there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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