my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
