Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
