I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
