dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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