I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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