whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
