we have pet lesbian snakes
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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