gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
