I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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