david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
