I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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