I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
