sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
