I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
