I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
