Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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