I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
