She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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