hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
