She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
