So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
