i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
