Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
