Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
