I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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