My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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