Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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