Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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