umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
