we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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