My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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