I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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