What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It was confusing and full of hummus
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
