it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
