dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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