If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
