so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
