high people should be assigned attendants
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
