I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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