everyone is single if you try hard enough
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
