I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
