ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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