Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
