I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i now understand why vodka
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize