Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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