I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Hippo gnu deer
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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