I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
