You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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